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"I'm Telling!"
by Pamela Kramer
Parents, September 2005
She stuck her tongue out at me for no reason!" "He
grabbed my light saber!" "She took a lollipop without
asking!" Does your child constantly snitch on her
siblings and pals? Four- and 5-year-olds love to
tell on people. It may be annoying—but it's also not
a totally bad thing. Look at it this way: Tattling
is proof that your kid can distinguish between right
and wrong.
But there's no need for her to keep proving it, is
there? And there are plenty of good reasons to teach
her to zip her lips. For starters, no one likes a
tattletale. Also, kids tend to rat each other out
for all the wrong reasons—to worm their way into
their parents' favor, for example, or for the
naughty thrill of getting someone into trouble.
We've got the lowdown on when your child is likely
to tattle and how you can get her to stop.
Over-Ruled
The situation: Your child is playing happily in the
sandbox when she notices that the child next to her
is dumping sand onto the grass. She doesn't know the
child, but she still screams out, "Look what he's
doing, Mommy. You told me not to do that!"
What's going on: "Kids this age are extremely aware
of rules and get very concerned when others aren't
following them," says Nathan Blum, M.D., a
developmental and behavioral pediatrician at The
Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.
How to respond: Say to your child, "That's right.
You're supposed to keep the sand inside the box."
But also let her know that unless someone is being
hurt, she doesn't need to tell you about it.
Real-mom solution: When 5-year-old Murphy Hughes
snitches that another kid is using bad words or
making a mess, her mom, Dana, tells her that the
child's mommy or daddy will take care of the
problem. "Once I explain that someone else is
responsible, she's satisfied," says the Highland
Park, Illinois, mother of three.
Peer Pressured
The situation: Your 4-year-old son and a friend are
enjoying their playdate while you prepare dinner.
Suddenly, your child runs into the kitchen crying,
"Jonathan took my truck while I was playing with
it!"
What's going on: Kids this age don't know how to
deal with peers who act aggressively or won't listen
to them, so they often expect a parent to run
interference, says Susan Isaacs Kohl, author of The
Best Things Parents Do.
How to respond: Brainstorm together to solve the
problem. Say, "What should you do next?" If he
doesn't have any ideas, suggest a few, such as
politely asking his friend to give the truck back or
taking turns playing with it. "This sends your child
the message that he has skills and choices, and that
he can gradually learn ways to solve problems
independently," explains Debbie Glasser, Ph.D., a
child psychologist in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Real-mom solution: Gina Seamans doesn't jump in when
her 5-year-old, Bryce, complains that his older
brother isn't playing nicely. Instead, she's given
Bryce a standard comeback to use: "I'll have him
say, ‘If you act that way, I'm going to play by
myself,' " says the mom from Arvada, Colorado.
Nit-Picking
The situation: Even when it doesn't involve her,
your 5-year-old constantly lets you know when other
kids are doing things she thinks are wrong ("That
boy is eating too many cookies" or "She's not
wearing shoes!").
What's going on: She's eager to gain your approval,
and pointing out other kids' mistakes is a way of
showing you that she knows how to act properly.
How to respond: Remind her that it's not her job to
monitor other children. Since she's seeking
attention, spend extra one-on-one time together, and
compliment her when she behaves properly ("You asked
for a snack nicely, so you may have one").
Real-mom solution: If her son Christopher, 4, tells
on his 3-year-old brother, Zach, Michelle Leeper, of
Sunrise, Florida, tries to ignore it. But if the
snitching continues, she sends the boys to separate
rooms. "That way, instead of rewarding the tattling
with my attention, I'm discouraging it," she says.
When It's Okay To Tell
Tattling may be a no-no, but make sure your child
knows he should tell you (or the nearest grown-up)
immediately if another child:
* In in danger of getting hurt
* Is being threatened
* Is damaging property
* Is being cruel to an animal
* Is crying, and no adult has noticed or stepped in
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