Whine Time

by Pamela Kramer

Parents, November 2005

If it seems as if your child is doing a lot of whining these days, don't automatically assume he's turning into a grump. "Kids this age are beginning to compare themselves with one another--and they notice when someone has something they don't have," explains Katharine Kersey, Ed.D., director of the Child Development Center at Old Dominion University, in Norfolk, Virginia.  At the same time, they now have the verbal skills to articulate their complaints." But knowing that whining is typical doesn't make it easier to listen to, and the behavior can turn into a bad habit if you don't get it under control. Here are suggestions on how to respond to these common preschooler complaints.

Whine line: "It's not fair!"
Your child notices that her cupcake has fewer sprinkles than her friend's--and feels wronged.

You're tempted to say: "Life isn't fair, so get over it."  Instead of helping your child deal with the situation, this response ignores her feelings and discourages her from standing up for herself, says Virginia Shiller, Ph.D., author of Rewards for Kids!: Ready-to-Use Charts and Activities for Positive Parenting. 

The right response: Tell your child you understand how she feels, but explain that there are some situations that she has to accept, even if they don't seem fair. Say, "I know it's hard when someone has more sprinkles on her cupcake. Maybe next time you'll be the lucky one." This lets her know that you're listening , but that you aren't going to jump in and fix the problem.

Whine line: "Jeffrey has that toy.  Why can't I?"
Your child's playmate has the hottest remote-control race car, and now your son wants one too.

You're tempted to say: "Why can't you be happy with what you have?" Rather than encouraging your preschooler to appreciate his own toys, you may be making him feel bad about himself--and resentful toward you--for wanting more.

The right response: Acknowledge your child's desire without judging him, then explain that you can't buy him everything his friend has. Remind him that he can always put the toy on his wish list and ask for it for his birthday or Christmas, if he loves it that much. Or, if you don't want to get him the item (or you sense it's a trendy toy he'd tire of quickly, even if you did give in and buy it), point out that having different toys makes it more fun to visit playmates' houses.

Whine line: "I'm not a baby!"
You tell your child that she isn't allowed to do something that a friend or an older sibling can do, such as make waffles or ride her bike to school.

 
You're tempted to say: "If you didn't act like a baby, I wouldn't treat you like one!" This response can discourage your child from communicating honestly with you in the future. It can also make her feel bad about who she IS and what she can accomplish.

 
The right response: Explain to your child that you're just looking out for her safety. Say: "You are not a baby, but I can't let you toast the waffle because you might burn yourself.  Focus on the positive by pointing out the things she is able to do, such as measuring ingredients or pouring the syrup. Also praise her a skill that she has mastered recently, such as making her bed or zipping her jacket.

 
Whine line: "I don't want to!"
You hear this when your child doesn't pick up his toys, brush his teeth, or do something else you expect of him.

You're tempted to say: "Do it anyway, because I said so!" This doesn't help a preschooler understand that there are some things he needs to do, even though he may not like to.

 
The right response: Children are more likely to comply when they know there are good reasons behind what you're telling them to do, says Dr, Kersey. You don't need to make an elaborate case; just explain, for example, how brushing his teeth will prevent cavities or that picking up toys will help keep the house neat.  When you treat your child like an individual who can think things out, he will soon begin to behave like one.

Say It Without Whining

Follow this four-step plan to teach your child how to assert himself politely. 

1.  Point it out. When your child rudely raises an objection to something, tell him gently but firmly that his tone is not appropriate.

2.  Demand a replay.  Ask your child to rephrase his grievance. Rather than saying, "Zucchini is gross!" he could say, "I don't like the way zucchini tastes."  

3.  Focus on solutions.  Suggest that instead of shouting, "This is too hard!" he should try to come up with ways to solve a problem or ask someone for help.

4.  Model good manners.  Try not to moan and groan yourself when you're annoyed and within earshot of your child.

Copyright 2006 Pamela Kramer.  All Rights Reserved.